Sourced and curated.

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 6.0

I bought a donut, and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, man, I'll just give you the money, then you give me the donut—end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut.

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 6.0

I never joined the Army because "at ease" was never that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back.

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 6.0

I've seen a human pyramid before. It was very unnecessary.

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 5.3

You know you can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.

Comedy Central Presents · 1999

★ 5.2

My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling…come on, 4 billion! Fuck, 7. Not even close.

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 5.2

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker and you were walking down the sidewalk with him and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 5.2

I like a escalator because a escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see a "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 5.1

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 3.7

This shirt is dry clean only, which means it's dirty.

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 3.7

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 3.7

I especially hate turtlenecks. Like wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day.

Comedy Central Presents · 1999

★ 3.5

I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.

Comedy Central Presents · 1999

★ 3.5

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out of focus monster, roaming the countryside.

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 3.5

Whenever I walk people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer it's kinda like they're saying, "Here, you throw this away."

Comedy Central Presents · 1999

★ 2.6

My friend said to me, "I think the weather's trippy." I said, "no man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought "man, I shoulda just said 'yeah'."

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 2.6

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 2.2

I hate flossing, I just wish I had one long curvy tooth. It didn't need to be split up.

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 2.0

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.