Quotes · Skopia

29 quotes

Prenuptial agreement. Everybody needs a prenup! People think you gotta be rich to get a prenup, oh no! You got 20 million, your wife want 10, big deal, you ain't starvin'. But if you make 30 thousand, and your wife want 15, you might have to kill her!

Chris Rock

Bring the Pain · 1996

★ 7.0

Comedy special · Comedy (stand up)

Relationships: easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Cause it’s hard to keep up the lie. 'Cause you can't get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody. You can't get nobody lookin' like you look, actin' like you act, soundin' like you sound. That's right, when you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative!

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 7.0

Comedy special · Comedy (stand up)

What the fuck do women want? I know what you want: everything.

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 7.0

Comedy special · Comedy (stand up)

You could be the baddest mama on earth. I don’t give a fuck how good you are. Ain't nothing you can say more powerful than, "I’m gonna tell your daddy."

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 6.2

Comedy special · Comedy (stand up)

There ain't a white man in this room that would change places with me. None of ya! None of ya would change places with me...and I'm rich! That's how good it is to be white.

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 6.2

Comedy special · Comedy (stand up)

I am scared of young white boys. If you white and under 21 I am running for the hills.

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 5.5

Comedy special · Comedy (stand up)

A man gonna be a man. A man is basically as faithful as his options. That’s how faithful a man is, no more, no less.

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 5.5

Comedy special · Comedy (stand up)

You know what’s fucked up about taxes? You don’t even pay taxes. They take tax. You get your check, money gone. That ain’t a payment, that’s a jack.

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 5.5

Comedy special · Comedy (stand up)

Women always ready to settle down. Shit, a woman goes on four good dates, she's like "Why are we bullshittin'? What are you waiting for?" Men—never ready to settle down. Men don't settle down. We surrender.

Chris Rock

Bring the Pain · 1996

★ 5.4

Comedy special · Comedy (stand up)

Drug dealers don't sell drugs. Drugs sell themselves. It's crack. It's not an encyclopedia. It's not a fuckin' vacuum cleaner. You don't really gotta try to sell crack, ok? I never heard a crack dealer goin' "Man, how'm I gonna get rid of all this crack?!"

Chris Rock

Bring the Pain · 1996

★ 5.4

Comedy special · Comedy (stand up)

We got some platonic friends. I got some, but they're all by accident. Every platonic friend I got is some woman I was tryin' to fuck, I made a wrong turn somewhere, and ended up in the friend zone.

Chris Rock

Chris Rock: Bring the Pain · 1996

★ 5.4

Comedy special · Comedy (stand up)

A bunch of girls like: "You don’t need no man to help you raise no child. You don't need no man." Shut the fuck up with the bullshit. Yeah, you could do it without a man but that don’t mean it’s to be done. Shit, you could drive a car with your feet if you want to. That don’t make it a good fuckin' idea.

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 5.4

Comedy special · Comedy (stand up)

Everybody talking 'bout gun control, gotta get rid of the guns. Fuck that, I like guns. You got a gun, you don’t have to work out.

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 4.6

Comedy special · Comedy (stand up)

You could get rid of all the crack, all the herb, all the blow, you know what would happen? People would just think of new ways of getting high. That's right, guys would go in their basement and become scientists, like "Yo check this out, check this out. You know, if you get a baby's bottle, right, fill it up with a little gasoline and a dead lima bean and suck it, you'll be fucked up!"

Chris Rock

Bring the Pain · 1996

★ 4.5

Comedy special · Comedy (stand up)

You know what's wild? Martin Luther King stood for nonviolence. Now what's Martin Luther King? A street. And I don't give a fuck where you at in America—if you on Martin Luther King Boulevard, there's some violence goin' down!

Chris Rock

Bring the Pain · 1996

★ 4.5

Standup comedy · Comedy

They don't grade fathers but if your daughter's a stripper, you fucked up!

Chris Rock

2004

★ 3.9

Comedy special · Comedy (stand up)

You know what men want? Food, sex, silence. That’s it. That's it. Food, sex, silence. "Feed me, fuck me, shut the fuck up."

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 3.8

Comedy special · Comedy (stand up)

Women need to hear compliments all the time. Women need food, water, and compliments. That’s right, that's right, and an occasional pair of shoes.

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 3.8

Standup comedy · Comedy

Long as you live you ain't never gonna see no black vice president. Not while the president's white. They tell you to never say never? I'm saying never. You know why? Cause some black guy would just kill the president, that's why! Shit, I'd do it!

Chris Rock

1996

★ 3.7

Comedy special · Comedy (stand up)

When you really love somebody, you got to love everything about them. You got to love the crust of a motherfucker. You can’t just love the white part of the bread. You got to love the crust, the crumbs, the little fuckin' crumbs at the bottom of the toaster. That’s what the real motherfucker is.

Chris Rock

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 3.7

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