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Browse all 10,075 quotes or apply filters in different categories to narrow your search.
Browse all 10,075 quotes or apply filters in different categories to narrow your search.
Relationships3 quotes
Relationships: easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Cause it’s hard to keep up the lie. 'Cause you can't get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody. You can't get nobody lookin' like you look, actin' like you act, soundin' like you sound. That's right, when you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative! — Chris Rock · 1999I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Women always ready to settle down. Shit, a woman goes on four good dates, she's like "Why are we bullshittin'? What are you waiting for?" Men—never ready to settle down. Men don't settle down. We surrender. — Chris Rock · 1996Black people and police2 quotes
Every black dude in this room is a qualified paralegal and shit. He knows the law. If one of us even start to do something wrong, an old black man would pop out of nowhere. Nigga, don’t do that. That’s 5 to 10. — Dave Chappelle · 2000I’m not saying I don’t like police. I’m not saying that. I’m saying I’m just scared of 'em. Nothing wrong with that. Sometimes we want to call them too. Somebody broke into my house once. This is a good time to call 'em. But I didn't, I don’t know, mm-mm. — Dave Chappelle · 2000Drugs2 quotes
Drug dealers don't sell drugs. Drugs sell themselves. It's crack. It's not an encyclopedia. It's not a fuckin' vacuum cleaner. You don't really gotta try to sell crack, ok? I never heard a crack dealer goin' "Man, how'm I gonna get rid of all this crack?!" — Chris Rock · 1996You could get rid of all the crack, all the herb, all the blow, you know what would happen? People would just think of new ways of getting high. That's right, guys would go in their basement and become scientists, like "Yo check this out, check this out. You know, if you get a baby's bottle, right, fill it up with a little gasoline and a dead lima bean and suck it, you'll be fucked up!" — Chris Rock · 1996Gender relations2 quotes
Women always ready to settle down. Shit, a woman goes on four good dates, she's like "Why are we bullshittin'? What are you waiting for?" Men—never ready to settle down. Men don't settle down. We surrender. — Chris Rock · 1996Chivalry is dead. And women killed it. — Dave Chappelle · 2000Human needs2 quotes
You know what men want? Food, sex, silence. That’s it. That's it. Food, sex, silence. "Feed me, fuck me, shut the fuck up." — Chris Rock · 1999Women need to hear compliments all the time. Women need food, water, and compliments. That’s right, that's right, and an occasional pair of shoes. — Chris Rock · 1999Men and women2 quotes
Women always ready to settle down. Shit, a woman goes on four good dates, she's like "Why are we bullshittin'? What are you waiting for?" Men—never ready to settle down. Men don't settle down. We surrender. — Chris Rock · 1996If pussy was a stock, it would be plummeting right now because you’ve flooded the market with it. You’re giving it away too easy. — Dave Chappelle · 2000Raising kids2 quotes
A bunch of girls like: "You don’t need no man to help you raise no child. You don't need no man." Shut the fuck up with the bullshit. Yeah, you could do it without a man but that don’t mean it’s to be done. Shit, you could drive a car with your feet if you want to. That don’t make it a good fuckin' idea. — Chris Rock · 1999You got to get your kid on or your groove on. You can’t get both on at the same time. — Chris Rock · 1999Alcohol1 quote
I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999American Presidency1 quote
I mean, there could be a black president one day, but…You don’t wanna be the first one. I mean the second or third that's fine, but…that first nigga better watch out. — Dave Chappelle · 2000American politics1 quote
As long as you live you ain't never gonna see no black vice president. Not while the president's white! Oh no, you will never see. Do you know what they say, “never say never”? I'm saying never! Never see no black vice president. Not while there’s a white president, and you know why? ‘Cause some black guy would just kill the president, that’s why! Shit, I’d do it! — Chris Rock · 1996Artist and audience1 quote
You know you can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Being single1 quote
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Black experience1 quote
Every black dude in this room is a qualified paralegal and shit. He knows the law. If one of us even start to do something wrong, an old black man would pop out of nowhere. Nigga, don’t do that. That’s 5 to 10. — Dave Chappelle · 2000Black president1 quote
I mean, there could be a black president one day, but…You don’t wanna be the first one. I mean the second or third that's fine, but…that first nigga better watch out. — Dave Chappelle · 2000Chastity1 quote
If pussy was a stock, it would be plummeting right now because you’ve flooded the market with it. You’re giving it away too easy. — Dave Chappelle · 2000Chivalry is dead1 quote
Chivalry is dead. And women killed it. — Dave Chappelle · 2000Christianity1 quote
You're born a sinner. By being born you are a sinner and you're going to hell. But you can just apologize and then you can go to heaven. No big deal. If you're a murderer—same thing, it's just apologize and go to heaven. — Sarah Silverman · 2013Clothing1 quote
I especially hate turtlenecks. Like wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Courtship and dating1 quote
Relationships: easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Cause it’s hard to keep up the lie. 'Cause you can't get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody. You can't get nobody lookin' like you look, actin' like you act, soundin' like you sound. That's right, when you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative! — Chris Rock · 1999Criminal law1 quote
Every black dude in this room is a qualified paralegal and shit. He knows the law. If one of us even start to do something wrong, an old black man would pop out of nowhere. Nigga, don’t do that. That’s 5 to 10. — Dave Chappelle · 2000Divorce1 quote
Prenuptial agreement. Everybody needs a prenup! People think you gotta be rich to get a prenup, oh no! You got 20 million, your wife want 10, big deal, you ain't starvin'. But if you make 30 thousand, and your wife want 15, you might have to kill her! — Chris Rock · 1996Fathers1 quote
A bunch of girls like: "You don’t need no man to help you raise no child. You don't need no man." Shut the fuck up with the bullshit. Yeah, you could do it without a man but that don’t mean it’s to be done. Shit, you could drive a car with your feet if you want to. That don’t make it a good fuckin' idea. — Chris Rock · 1999Fathers and children1 quote
You could be the baddest mama on earth. I don’t give a fuck how good you are. Ain't nothing you can say more powerful than, "I’m gonna tell your daddy." — Chris Rock · 1999Food1 quote
We got so much food in America we allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit! You think anybody in Rwanda's got a fuckin' lactose intolerance? — Chris Rock · 1996Forgiveness1 quote
You're born a sinner. By being born you are a sinner and you're going to hell. But you can just apologize and then you can go to heaven. No big deal. If you're a murderer—same thing, it's just apologize and go to heaven. — Sarah Silverman · 2013Gentrification1 quote
New white people. You can’t scare these white people. I tried. Roll up on 'em: BOO! "What the hell is wrong with you? Those days are over." — Dave Chappelle · 2000Gun control1 quote
Everybody talking 'bout gun control, gotta get rid of the guns. Fuck that, I like guns. You got a gun, you don’t have to work out. — Chris Rock · 1999History1 quote
John F. Kennedy. Remember him? He fucked Marilyn Monroe. Matter of fact, him and his brother Bobby fucked Marilyn Monroe. And history doesn’t talk about that much. You know why history doesn’t talk about that much? Because those two pages in history are stuck together. — Dave Chappelle · 2000Impeachment1 quote
Clinton damn near got impeached, for what? For what? Lied about a blowjob so his wife wouldn’t find out. ls that against the law? Do you need the Supreme Court for that one? You could have took that one to The People’s Court! Could have took that one to Judge Judy. She’d have knocked it out in a half hour, plus commercials. — Chris Rock · 1999