The Quotes canon
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Every quote has been curated by hand and carefully authenticated.
Browse all 10,075 quotes or apply filters in different categories to narrow your search.
Browse all 10,075 quotes or apply filters in different categories to narrow your search.
Clothing2 quotes
This shirt is dry clean only, which means it's dirty. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999I especially hate turtlenecks. Like wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Drugs2 quotes
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Abortion1 quote
This right of privacy...is broad enough to encompass a woman's decision whether or not to terminate her pregnancy. — Harry A. Blackmun · 1973Affirmative action1 quote
In order to get beyond racism, we must first take account of race. There is no other way. And in order to treat some persons equally, we must treat them differently. — Harry A. Blackmun · 1978Alcohol1 quote
I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Artist and audience1 quote
You know you can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Being single1 quote
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Bigfoot1 quote
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out of focus monster, roaming the countryside. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Christmas1 quote
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Constitutional law1 quote
This right of privacy...is broad enough to encompass a woman's decision whether or not to terminate her pregnancy. — Harry A. Blackmun · 1973Doing drugs1 quote
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Donuts1 quote
I bought a donut, and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, man, I'll just give you the money, then you give me the donut—end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Entrepreneurship1 quote
I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack, and that price fucks with your head, because then you start to think that you're gonna sell pop. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Equality1 quote
In order to get beyond racism, we must first take account of race. There is no other way. And in order to treat some persons equally, we must treat them differently. — Harry A. Blackmun · 1978Gambling1 quote
My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling…come on, 4 billion! Fuck, 7. Not even close. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Luck1 quote
My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling…come on, 4 billion! Fuck, 7. Not even close. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Meaninglessness1 quote
I've seen a human pyramid before. It was very unnecessary. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Men and women1 quote
Women's Liberation calls it enslavement but the real truth about the sexual revolution is that it has made of sex an almost chaotically limitless and therefore unmanageable realm in the life of women. — Midge Decter · 1972Misanthropy1 quote
I love mankind…it's people I can't stand!! — Charles M. Schulz · 1959Mythical creatures1 quote
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out of focus monster, roaming the countryside. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Patriarchy1 quote
Perhaps patriarchy's greatest psychological weapon is simply its universality and longevity... Patriarchy has a still more tenacious or powerful hold through its successful habit of passing itself off as nature. — Kate Millett · 1970Personal care1 quote
I hate flossing, I just wish I had one long curvy tooth. It didn't need to be split up. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Proclivities1 quote
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Protest1 quote
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Racism1 quote
In order to get beyond racism, we must first take account of race. There is no other way. And in order to treat some persons equally, we must treat them differently. — Harry A. Blackmun · 1978Relationships1 quote
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Right to privacy1 quote
This right of privacy...is broad enough to encompass a woman's decision whether or not to terminate her pregnancy. — Harry A. Blackmun · 1973Sexual revolution1 quote
Women's Liberation calls it enslavement but the real truth about the sexual revolution is that it has made of sex an almost chaotically limitless and therefore unmanageable realm in the life of women. — Midge Decter · 1972Siblings1 quote
Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life. — Charles M. Schulz · 1961Sisters1 quote
Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life. — Charles M. Schulz · 1961