The Quotes canon
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Browse all 10,075 quotes or apply filters in different categories to narrow your search.
Browse all 10,075 quotes or apply filters in different categories to narrow your search.
Jerry Seinfeld12 quotes
He’s nice, bit of a close talker. — Jerry Seinfeld · 1994If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right. — Jerry Seinfeld · 1994You can't believe this woman. She's one of these low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going "excuse me?", "what was that?" — Jerry Seinfeld · 1993We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that. — Jerry Seinfeld · 1993Why do I always have the feeling that everybody’s doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons? — Jerry Seinfeld · 1991You’re a nice guy, but I actually only have three friends. I really can't handle any more. — Jerry Seinfeld · 1995All 12 quotes →George Costanza10 quotes
I’m a great quitter. It’s one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. — George Costanza · 1993My dream is to become hopeless. — George Costanza · 1992Jerry, this woman hates me so much, I’m starting to like her. — George Costanza · 1993Jerry, just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it. — George Costanza · 1995I can’t die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn’t die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity? — George Costanza · 1993It all became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat-it's all been wrong. — George Costanza · 1994All 10 quotes →Larry David10 quotes
I'm feeling pretty good. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good. — Larry David · 2001I do hate myself but it has nothing to do with being Jewish. — Larry David · 2001Do you respect wood, Susie? — Larry David · 2009Bald asshole? That’s a hate crime. We're a set, we're a group. — Larry David · 2001I just-I can’t stand the sound of the human voice. — Larry David · 2009There's a jet stream of bullshit coming out of your mouth, my friend. — Larry David · 2004All 10 quotes →Ron Swanson9 quotes
Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing. — Ron Swanson · 2012I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American. — Ron Swanson · 2010I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name, best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes. — Ron Swanson · 2011There has never been a sadness that can't be cured by breakfast food. — Ron Swanson · 2014Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless. — Ron Swanson · 2013If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party. — Ron Swanson · 2012All 9 quotes →Tony Soprano9 quotes
Whatever happened to Gary Cooper, the strong silent type? — Tony Soprano · 2002More is lost by indecision than wrong decision. — Tony Soprano · 2002Those who want respect, give respect. — Tony Soprano · 2000I don’t care how close you are. In the end, your friends are gonna let you down. Family: they’re the only ones you can depend on. — Tony Soprano · 2006All due respect, you got no fucking idea what it’s like to be Number One. Every decision you make affects every facet of every other fucking thing. It’s too much to deal with almost and, in the end, you’re completely alone with it all. — Tony Soprano · 2004It’s good to be in something from the ground floor. I came too late for that and I know. But lately, I’m getting the feeling that I came in at the end. The best is over. — Tony Soprano · 1999All 9 quotes →Narrator (Adult Kevin Arnold)8 quotes
Growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day, you’re in diapers; next day, you’re gone. But the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul. I remember a place, a town, a house…like a lot of other houses; a yard like a lot of other yards; on a street like a lot of other streets. And the thing is…after all these years, I still look back…with wonder. — Narrator (Adult Kevin Arnold) · 1993Maybe we both realized that growing up doesn’t have to be so much a straight line as a series of advances and retreats. — Narrator (Adult Kevin Arnold) · 1988Love is never simple. Not for fathers and sons. We spend our lives full of hope and expectations. And most of the time we are bound to fail. But that afternoon as I watched my father sheltering his son against a future that was so unsure, all I knew was they didn’t want to let each other down anymore. — Narrator (Adult Kevin Arnold) · 1992Men and women suffer alone, over the choices they've made. And young boys, full of confusion... Full of fear... Full of love and courage... Grow up stealthily in their sleep. — Narrator (Adult Kevin Arnold) · 1988The truth is in 7th grade, who you are is what other 7th graders say you are. The funny thing is it’s hard to remember the names of the kids you spent so much time trying to impress. — Narrator (Adult Kevin Arnold) · 1989All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope. All the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there’s someone perfect, who might be searching for us. — Narrator (Adult Kevin Arnold) · 1990All 8 quotes →Walter White8 quotes
Say my name. — Walter White · 2012You clearly don't know who you're talking to, so let me clue you in. I am not in danger, Skyler. I am the danger. A guy opens his door and gets shot, and you think that of me? No! I am the one who knocks! — Walter White · 2011I did it for me. I liked it. I was good at it. And... I was... Really-I was alive. — Walter White · 2013If that's true, if you don't know who I am, then maybe your best course would be to tread lightly. — Walter White · 2013I have spent my whole life scared, frightened of things that could happen, might happen, might not happen. 50 years I spent like that, finding myself awake at 3 in the morning. But, you know what? Ever since my diagnosis, I sleep just fine. I came to realize it's that fear that's the worst of it. That's the real enemy. — Walter White · 2009Jesse, you asked me if I was in the meth business or the money business. Neither. I'm in the empire business. — Walter White · 2012All 8 quotes →Carrie6 quotes
Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be. — Carrie · 2002I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love. — Carrie · 2004Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with. — Carrie · 1999After all, seasons change, so do cities; people come into your life and people go. But it’s comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you’re very lucky, a plane ride away. — Carrie · 2002I like my money right where I can see it-hanging in my closet. — Carrie · 2003That’s the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met, you don’t need them anymore. — Carrie · 2002Elaine Benes6 quotes
I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian. — Elaine Benes · 1992Is it possible that I’m not as attractive as I think I am? — Elaine Benes · 1993He’s a re-gifter. — Elaine Benes · 1995I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things. — Elaine Benes · 1994It’s the best part. It’s crunchy, it’s explosive, it’s where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of does its own thing. I’ll tell you. That’s a million-dollar idea right there. Just sell the tops. — Elaine Benes · 1997It's ironic... That we've come all this way, we made all this progress, but you know, we lost the little things, the niceties. — Elaine Benes · 1992Michael Scott6 quotes
And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do. — Michael Scott · 2009Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. — Michael Scott · 2005I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good. — Michael Scott · 2007I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me. — Michael Scott · 2007I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. — Michael Scott · 2007Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way. — Michael Scott · 2009Narrator (Twilight Zone)6 quotes
The tools of conquest do not necessarily come with bombs and explosions and fallout. There are weapons that are simply thoughts, attitudes, prejudices to be found only in the minds of men. — Narrator (Twilight Zone) · 1960For the record, prejudices can kill, and suspicion can destroy, and a thoughtless frightened search for a scapegoat has a fallout all its own for the children, and the children yet unborn. And the pity of it is that these things cannot be confined to the Twilight Zone. — Narrator (Twilight Zone) · 1960There is nothing in the dark that wasn't there when the lights were on. — Narrator (Twilight Zone) · 1962There's a saying, every man is put on Earth condemned to die, time and method of execution unknown. — Narrator (Twilight Zone) · 1959You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land of imagination. Next stop, the Twilight Zone! — Narrator (Twilight Zone) · 1960It may be said with a degree of assurance that not everything that meets the eye is as it appears. — Narrator (Twilight Zone) · 1964Omar Little5 quotes
A man got to have a code. — Omar Little · 2006You come at the king, you best not miss. — Omar Little · 2002Man, money ain’t got no owners. Only spenders. — Omar Little · 2006I got the shotgun. You got the briefcase. It’s all in the game, though, right? — Omar Little · 2003How you expect to run with the wolves come night when you spend all day sparring with the puppies? — Omar Little · 2006Archie Bunker4 quotes
This ain't something a man usually tells a woman: I love you, Edith. — Archie Bunker · 1973God don't make no mistakes, that's how he got to be God. — Archie Bunker · 1975Anybody that goes to see a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined! — Archie Bunker · 1972Them Sicilians are famous for two things: Spaghetti and revenge. — Archie Bunker · 1972Carl Sagan4 quotes
If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe. — Carl Sagan · 1980The cosmos is all there is or ever was or ever will be. Our contemplations of the cosmos stir us. There is a tingling in the spine, a catch in the voice, a faint sensation, as if a distant memory, of falling from a great height. We know we are approaching the grandest of mysteries. — Carl Sagan · 1980Human history can be viewed as a slowly dawning awareness that we are members of a larger group. Initially our loyalties were to ourselves and our immediate family, next, to bands of wandering hunter-gatherers, then to tribes, small settlements, city-states, nations. We have broadened the circle of those we love... If we are to survive, our loyalties must be broadened further, to include the whole human community, the entire planet Earth. — Carl Sagan · 1980What an astonishing thing a book is. It's a flat object made from a tree with flexible parts on which are imprinted lots of funny dark squiggles. But one glance at it and you're inside the mind of another person, maybe somebody dead for thousands of years. — Carl Sagan · 1980Dale Cooper4 quotes
In the grand design, women were drawn from a different set of blueprints. — Dale Cooper · 1990Black as midnight on a moonless night. — Dale Cooper · 1990A damn fine cup of coffee. — Dale Cooper · 1990Every day, once a day, give yourself a present. — Dale Cooper · 1990Fleabag4 quotes
Either everyone feels like this a little bit and they’re just not talking about it or I am completely fucking alone. — Fleabag · 2016I spent most of my adult life using sex to deflect from the screaming void inside my empty heart. — Fleabag · 2019No, I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning. I want someone to tell me what to eat. What to like, what to hate, what to rage about, what to listen to, what band to like, what to buy tickets for, what to joke about, what not to joke about. I want someone to tell me what to believe in, who to vote for, who to love and how to tell them. — Fleabag · 2019Hair is everything. We wish it wasn’t so we could actually think about something else occasionally. But it is. It’s the difference between a good day and a bad day. We’re meant to think that it’s a symbol of power, that it’s a symbol of fertility. — Fleabag · 2019Andy Dwyer3 quotes
Windows are the eyes to the house. — Andy Dwyer · 2012I have no idea what I'm doing, but I know I'm doing it really really well. — Andy Dwyer · 2009They're old people. They eat, they sleep, they complain, they watch Family Feud. Oh my god, I wanna be an old person. — Andy Dwyer · 2014Don Draper3 quotes
What you call love was invented by guys like me... To sell Nylons. — Don Draper · 2007If you don’t like what is being said, then change the conversation. — Don Draper · 2009We’re flawed because we want so much more. We’re ruined because we get these things and wish for what we had. — Don Draper · 2010Edward R. Murrow3 quotes
We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty. — Edward R. Murrow · 1954No one man can terrorize a whole nation unless we are all his accomplices. — Edward R. Murrow · 1954We will not be driven by fear into an age of unreason if we…remember that we are not descended from fearful men, not from men who feared to write, to speak, to associate and to defend causes that were, for the moment unpopular. — Edward R. Murrow · 1954Homer Simpson3 quotes
To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. — Homer Simpson · 1997Weaseling out of things is important to learn; it’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel. — Homer Simpson · 1993Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. — Homer Simpson · 1990Jack Donaghy3 quotes
Factories provide three things this country desperately needs: jobs, pride, and material for Bruce Springsteen songs. — Jack Donaghy · 2012I like when a woman has ambition. It's like seeing a dog wearing clothes. — Jack Donaghy · 2007It's after six. What am I, a farmer? — Jack Donaghy · 2006Leslie Knope3 quotes
Guys love it when you can show them you're better than they are at something they love. — Leslie Knope · 2009We need to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn't matter, but work is third. — Leslie Knope · 2011So it’s been three months of no work, no meetings, no memos, no late nights, nothing. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. — Leslie Knope · 2011Mike Ehrmantraut3 quotes
Moral of the story is: I chose a half measure when I should have gone all the way. I'll never make that mistake again. — Mike Ehrmantraut · 2010You are not the guy. You're not capable of being the guy. I had a guy, but now I don't. You-are not the guy. — Mike Ehrmantraut · 2011Shut the fuck up and let me die in peace. — Mike Ehrmantraut · 2012Tom Haverford3 quotes
Treat yo'self. — Tom Haverford · 2011I’m like an elephant, okay? If I walk into a room, it’s like, "Okay, he’s in there." — Tom Haverford · 2011I want to open up my own club one day, maybe call it something like Club a Dub Dub or the Club Marine, sort of a submarine-themed club, or Tom’s Bistro. The word "bistro" is classy as shit. — Tom Haverford · 2010Christopher Moltisanti2 quotes
There’s no chemical solution to a spiritual problem. — Christopher Moltisanti · 2004You ever feel like nothin' good was ever gonna happen to you? — Christopher Moltisanti · 1999Desmond Tutu2 quotes
I am not interested in picking up crumbs of compassion thrown from the table of someone who considers himself my master. I want the full menu of human rights. — Desmond Tutu · 1985You will never be free until we are free. — Desmond Tutu · 1999Diana, Princess of Wales2 quotes
There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded. — Diana, Princess of Wales · 1995I'd like to be a queen in people's hearts but I don't see myself being Queen of this country. — Diana, Princess of Wales · 1995Dr. Jennifer Melfi2 quotes
People see only what you allow them to see. — Dr. Jennifer Melfi · 2006Genetic predispositions are only that: predispositions. It’s not a destiny written in stone. People have choices. — Dr. Jennifer Melfi · 1999Frank Costanza2 quotes
George, we’ve had it with you. Understand? We love you like a son, but even parents have limits. — Frank Costanza · 1997At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year. — Frank Costanza · 1997Hillary Rodham Clinton2 quotes
The great story here... Is this vast right-wing conspiracy that has been conspiring against my husband since the day he announced for president. — Hillary Rodham Clinton · 1998I'm not sitting here because I'm some little woman standing by my man, like Tammy Wynette. I am sitting here because I love him and I respect him, and I honor what he's been through and what we've been through together. — Hillary Rodham Clinton · 1992