The Quotes canon
Sourced and curated.
Every quote has been curated by hand and carefully authenticated.
Browse all 10,075 quotes or apply filters in different categories to narrow your search.
Browse all 10,075 quotes or apply filters in different categories to narrow your search.
Comedy (stand up)20 quotes
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack, and that price fucks with your head, because then you start to think that you're gonna sell pop. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999I bought a donut, and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, man, I'll just give you the money, then you give me the donut—end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999I never joined the Army because "at ease" was never that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999I've seen a human pyramid before. It was very unnecessary. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999You know you can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999All 20 quotes →