The Quotes canon
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Browse all 10,075 quotes or apply filters in different categories to narrow your search.
Browse all 10,075 quotes or apply filters in different categories to narrow your search.
Jerry Seinfeld12 quotes
He’s nice, bit of a close talker. — Jerry Seinfeld · 1994If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right. — Jerry Seinfeld · 1994You can't believe this woman. She's one of these low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going "excuse me?", "what was that?" — Jerry Seinfeld · 1993We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that. — Jerry Seinfeld · 1993Why do I always have the feeling that everybody’s doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons? — Jerry Seinfeld · 1991You’re a nice guy, but I actually only have three friends. I really can't handle any more. — Jerry Seinfeld · 1995All 12 quotes →George Costanza10 quotes
I’m a great quitter. It’s one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. — George Costanza · 1993My dream is to become hopeless. — George Costanza · 1992Jerry, this woman hates me so much, I’m starting to like her. — George Costanza · 1993Jerry, just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it. — George Costanza · 1995I can’t die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn’t die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity? — George Costanza · 1993It all became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat-it's all been wrong. — George Costanza · 1994All 10 quotes →Larry David10 quotes
I'm feeling pretty good. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good. — Larry David · 2001I do hate myself but it has nothing to do with being Jewish. — Larry David · 2001Do you respect wood, Susie? — Larry David · 2009Bald asshole? That’s a hate crime. We're a set, we're a group. — Larry David · 2001I just-I can’t stand the sound of the human voice. — Larry David · 2009There's a jet stream of bullshit coming out of your mouth, my friend. — Larry David · 2004All 10 quotes →Ron Swanson9 quotes
Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing. — Ron Swanson · 2012I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American. — Ron Swanson · 2010I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name, best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes. — Ron Swanson · 2011There has never been a sadness that can't be cured by breakfast food. — Ron Swanson · 2014Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless. — Ron Swanson · 2013If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party. — Ron Swanson · 2012All 9 quotes →Narrator (Adult Kevin Arnold)8 quotes
Growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day, you’re in diapers; next day, you’re gone. But the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul. I remember a place, a town, a house…like a lot of other houses; a yard like a lot of other yards; on a street like a lot of other streets. And the thing is…after all these years, I still look back…with wonder. — Narrator (Adult Kevin Arnold) · 1993Maybe we both realized that growing up doesn’t have to be so much a straight line as a series of advances and retreats. — Narrator (Adult Kevin Arnold) · 1988Love is never simple. Not for fathers and sons. We spend our lives full of hope and expectations. And most of the time we are bound to fail. But that afternoon as I watched my father sheltering his son against a future that was so unsure, all I knew was they didn’t want to let each other down anymore. — Narrator (Adult Kevin Arnold) · 1992Men and women suffer alone, over the choices they've made. And young boys, full of confusion... Full of fear... Full of love and courage... Grow up stealthily in their sleep. — Narrator (Adult Kevin Arnold) · 1988The truth is in 7th grade, who you are is what other 7th graders say you are. The funny thing is it’s hard to remember the names of the kids you spent so much time trying to impress. — Narrator (Adult Kevin Arnold) · 1989All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope. All the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there’s someone perfect, who might be searching for us. — Narrator (Adult Kevin Arnold) · 1990All 8 quotes →Carrie6 quotes
Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be. — Carrie · 2002I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love. — Carrie · 2004Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with. — Carrie · 1999After all, seasons change, so do cities; people come into your life and people go. But it’s comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you’re very lucky, a plane ride away. — Carrie · 2002I like my money right where I can see it-hanging in my closet. — Carrie · 2003That’s the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met, you don’t need them anymore. — Carrie · 2002Elaine Benes6 quotes
I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian. — Elaine Benes · 1992Is it possible that I’m not as attractive as I think I am? — Elaine Benes · 1993He’s a re-gifter. — Elaine Benes · 1995I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things. — Elaine Benes · 1994It’s the best part. It’s crunchy, it’s explosive, it’s where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of does its own thing. I’ll tell you. That’s a million-dollar idea right there. Just sell the tops. — Elaine Benes · 1997It's ironic... That we've come all this way, we made all this progress, but you know, we lost the little things, the niceties. — Elaine Benes · 1992Michael Scott6 quotes
And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do. — Michael Scott · 2009Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. — Michael Scott · 2005I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good. — Michael Scott · 2007I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me. — Michael Scott · 2007I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. — Michael Scott · 2007Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way. — Michael Scott · 2009Archie Bunker4 quotes
This ain't something a man usually tells a woman: I love you, Edith. — Archie Bunker · 1973God don't make no mistakes, that's how he got to be God. — Archie Bunker · 1975Anybody that goes to see a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined! — Archie Bunker · 1972Them Sicilians are famous for two things: Spaghetti and revenge. — Archie Bunker · 1972Fleabag4 quotes
Either everyone feels like this a little bit and they’re just not talking about it or I am completely fucking alone. — Fleabag · 2016I spent most of my adult life using sex to deflect from the screaming void inside my empty heart. — Fleabag · 2019No, I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning. I want someone to tell me what to eat. What to like, what to hate, what to rage about, what to listen to, what band to like, what to buy tickets for, what to joke about, what not to joke about. I want someone to tell me what to believe in, who to vote for, who to love and how to tell them. — Fleabag · 2019Hair is everything. We wish it wasn’t so we could actually think about something else occasionally. But it is. It’s the difference between a good day and a bad day. We’re meant to think that it’s a symbol of power, that it’s a symbol of fertility. — Fleabag · 2019Andy Dwyer3 quotes
Windows are the eyes to the house. — Andy Dwyer · 2012I have no idea what I'm doing, but I know I'm doing it really really well. — Andy Dwyer · 2009They're old people. They eat, they sleep, they complain, they watch Family Feud. Oh my god, I wanna be an old person. — Andy Dwyer · 2014Homer Simpson3 quotes
To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. — Homer Simpson · 1997Weaseling out of things is important to learn; it’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel. — Homer Simpson · 1993Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. — Homer Simpson · 1990Jack Donaghy3 quotes
Factories provide three things this country desperately needs: jobs, pride, and material for Bruce Springsteen songs. — Jack Donaghy · 2012I like when a woman has ambition. It's like seeing a dog wearing clothes. — Jack Donaghy · 2007It's after six. What am I, a farmer? — Jack Donaghy · 2006Leslie Knope3 quotes
Guys love it when you can show them you're better than they are at something they love. — Leslie Knope · 2009We need to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn't matter, but work is third. — Leslie Knope · 2011So it’s been three months of no work, no meetings, no memos, no late nights, nothing. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. — Leslie Knope · 2011Tom Haverford3 quotes
Treat yo'self. — Tom Haverford · 2011I’m like an elephant, okay? If I walk into a room, it’s like, "Okay, he’s in there." — Tom Haverford · 2011I want to open up my own club one day, maybe call it something like Club a Dub Dub or the Club Marine, sort of a submarine-themed club, or Tom’s Bistro. The word "bistro" is classy as shit. — Tom Haverford · 2010Frank Costanza2 quotes
George, we’ve had it with you. Understand? We love you like a son, but even parents have limits. — Frank Costanza · 1997At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year. — Frank Costanza · 1997Joey Tribbiani2 quotes
You don’t own a TV? What’s all your furniture pointed at? — Joey Tribbiani · 2003How you doin’? — Joey Tribbiani · 1998Kevin Malone2 quotes
So me think, why waste time say lot word, when few word do trick. — Kevin Malone · 2011I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. — Kevin Malone · 2007Lisa Simpson2 quotes
Shut up, brain. I got friends now. I don't need you anymore. — Lisa Simpson · 1994Why do I get the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist? — Lisa Simpson · 1990Samantha2 quotes
I love you, but I love me more. — Samantha · 2002I will not be judged by you or society. I will wear whatever and blow whomever I want as long as I can breathe-and kneel. — Samantha · 2002Stephen Colbert2 quotes
Truthiness. Now I'm sure some of the word police-the wordinistas-over at Webster's are gonna say, "Hey, that's not a word." Well, anybody who knows me knows I'm no fan of dictionaries or reference books...I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. — Stephen Colbert · 2005Truth that comes from the gut, not books. — Stephen Colbert · 2005The Priest2 quotes
Love is awful. It's awful. It's painful. It's frightening. Makes you doubt yourself, judge yourself, distance yourself from the other people in your life, makes you selfish, makes you creepy, makes you obbsessed with your hair, makes you cruel, makes you say and do things you never thought you would do. — The Priest · 2019Celibacy is a lot less complicated than romantic relationships. — The Priest · 2019Will Smith2 quotes
Roses are red, violets are blue, Jazz and I are black, but Carlton what are you? — Will Smith · 1990Have you always been this stuck up, or did it take, like, years of practice? — Will Smith · 1991Ann Perkins1 quote
Jogging is the worst, Chris! I mean, I know it keeps you healthy but, god, at what cost? — Ann Perkins · 2011Annie Edison1 quote
A passing grade? Like a C? Why don't I just get pregnant at a bus station? — Annie Edison · 2012Bart Simpson1 quote
I can’t promise I’ll try, but I’ll try to try. — Bart Simpson · 1997Belinda (Fleabag)1 quote
Women are born with pain built in. It's our physical destiny. Period pains, sore boobs, childbirth, you know. We carry it within ourselves throughout our lives. Men don't. They have to seek it out. — Belinda (Fleabag) · 2019BoJack Horseman1 quote
He's so stupid, he doesn't realize how miserable he should be. I envy that. — BoJack Horseman · 2014Cardinal Ximinez1 quote
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! — Cardinal Ximinez · 1970Charlotte (Sex and the City)1 quote
I’ve been dating since I was fifteen! I’m exhausted! Where is he? — Charlotte (Sex and the City) · 2000