The Quotes canon
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Browse all 10,075 quotes or apply filters in different categories to narrow your search.
Browse all 10,075 quotes or apply filters in different categories to narrow your search.
Clothing2 quotes
This shirt is dry clean only, which means it's dirty. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999I especially hate turtlenecks. Like wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Drugs2 quotes
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Alcohol1 quote
I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Artist and audience1 quote
You know you can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Being single1 quote
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Bigfoot1 quote
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out of focus monster, roaming the countryside. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Christmas1 quote
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Doing drugs1 quote
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Donuts1 quote
I bought a donut, and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, man, I'll just give you the money, then you give me the donut—end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Entrepreneurship1 quote
I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack, and that price fucks with your head, because then you start to think that you're gonna sell pop. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Gambling1 quote
My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling…come on, 4 billion! Fuck, 7. Not even close. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Luck1 quote
My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling…come on, 4 billion! Fuck, 7. Not even close. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Meaninglessness1 quote
I've seen a human pyramid before. It was very unnecessary. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Mythical creatures1 quote
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out of focus monster, roaming the countryside. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Personal care1 quote
I hate flossing, I just wish I had one long curvy tooth. It didn't need to be split up. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Proclivities1 quote
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Protest1 quote
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Relationships1 quote
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999The Army1 quote
I never joined the Army because "at ease" was never that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999The military1 quote
I never joined the Army because "at ease" was never that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999