Sourced and curated.

1910

★ 1.2

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

Pudd'nhead Wilson · 1894

★ 1.3

October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February.

Pudd'nhead Wilson · 1894

★ 1.3

A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is Left out of it.

We believe that out of the public school grows the greatness of a nation.

1897

★ 1.3

Speech

1900

★ 1.3

Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.

No man has a wholly undiseased mind; that in one way or another all men are mad.

The Mysterious Stranger · 1910

★ 1.3

Essay

1910

★ 1.3

The chances are that a man cannot get into congress now without resorting to arts and means that should render him unfit to go there.

The Gilded Age: A Tale of Today · 1873

★ 1.3

A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother.

1876

★ 1.3

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

Pudd'nhead Wilson · 1894

★ 1.3

Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist but you have ceased to live.

Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World · 1897

★ 1.3

Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World · 1897

★ 1.3

Virtue never has been as respectable as money.

The Innocents Abroad · 1869

★ 1.4

When in doubt, tell the truth.

Death, the refuge, the solace, the best and kindliest and most prized friend and benefactor of the erring, the forsaken, the old, and weary, and broken of heart, whose burdens be heavy upon them, and who would lie down and be at rest.

Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World · 1897

★ 1.4

Speech

It is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history...and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies.

1883

★ 1.9

Letter · Religious literature

1910

★ 1.9

We have not the reverent feeling for the rainbow that a savage has, because we know how it is made. We have lost as much as we gained by prying into that matter.

Laws are sand, customs are rock. Laws can be evaded and punishment escaped, but an openly transgressed custom brings sure punishment.

A Tramp Abroad · 1880

★ 2.0

There's a good spot tucked away somewhere in everybody. You'll be a long time finding it, sometimes.

1906

★ 2.0

Short story

1910

★ 2.0

What a good thing Adam had—when he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.

1867

★ 2.1

Unexpected money is a delight. The same sum is a bitterness when you expected more.

1878

★ 2.1

The church is always trying to get other people to reform; it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little by way of example.

A Tramp Abroad · 1880

★ 2.1

The book of nature tells us distinctly that God cares not a rap for us—nor for any living creature.

1898

★ 2.1

One never ceases to make a hero of one's self (in private).

We said there warn't no home like a raft, after all. Other places do seem so cramped up and smothery, but a raft don't. You feel mighty free and easy and comfortable on a raft.

The Gilded Age: A Tale of Today · 1873

★ 2.2

Novel · Children's literature · Adventure novel

Adventures of Huckleberry Finn · 1884

★ 2.2

The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.

1895

★ 2.2

A human being has a natural desire to have more of a good thing than he needs.

Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World · 1897

★ 2.2

There is no such thing as "the Queen's English." The property has gone into the hands of a joint stock company and we own the bulk of the shares!

Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World · 1897

★ 2.2

Be good and you will be lonesome.

Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World · 1897

★ 2.3

Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat.

When the peremptory challenges were all exhausted, a jury of twelve men was impaneled—a jury who swore they had neither heard, read, talked about nor expressed an opinion concerning a murder which the very cattle in the corrals, the Indians in the sage-brush and the stones in the streets were cognizant of!

1894

★ 2.9

Travel literature

1872

★ 2.9

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it—and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again—and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.

The modern patriotism, the true patriotism, the only rational patriotism, is loyalty to the Nation all the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it.

Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World · 1897

★ 2.9

Magazine

God made man, without man's consent, and made his nature, too; made it vicious instead of angelic, and then said, Be angelic, or I will punish you and destroy you. But no matter, God is responsible for everything man does, all the same; He can't get around that fact. There is only one Criminal, and it is not man.

1905

★ 3.6

Short story

1910

★ 3.6

There is no God, no universe, no human race, no earthly life, no heaven, no hell. It is all a dream—a grotesque and foolish dream. Nothing exists but you. And you are but a thought—a vagrant thought, a useless thought, a homeless thought, wandering forlorn among the empty eternities!

The Mysterious Stranger · 1910

★ 3.6

Anywhere is better than Paris. Paris the cold, Paris the drizzly, Paris the rainy, Paris the Damnable. More than a hundred years ago, somebody asked Quin, "Did you ever see such a winter in all your life before?" "Yes," said he, "last summer." I judge he spent his summer in Paris.

1880

★ 3.7

The kingly office is entitled to no respect. It was originally procured by the highwayman's methods; it remains a perpetuated crime, can never be anything but the symbol of a crime.

The election makes me think of a story of a man who was dying. He had only two minutes to live, so he sent for a clergyman and asked him, “Where is the best place to go to?” He was undecided about it. So the minister told him that each place had its advantages—heaven for climate, and hell for society.

1888

★ 3.7

Speech

1901

★ 3.7

There is nothing more awe-inspiring than a miracle except the credulity that can take it at par.