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Browse all 10,075 quotes or apply filters in different categories to narrow your search.
Alcohol3 quotes
It's amazing how our attitude on alcohol changes, right? Cause even as a teenager you know it's wrong. You're like, "You know, I don't like the taste of it, but I want to look cool." And then in your twenties you're like, "You know what, this kinda gives me confidence to talk to the opposite sex." Then in your forties you're like, "You know what, this is the only thing I like about being alive." — Jim Gaffigan · 2014We go to bars so we can behave like children, toddlers, really. You ever go to a bar at 2am? You might as well be picking up a kid at nursery school. — Jim Gaffigan · 2014Really the only time to ever drink a shot is never. No one's ever drank a shot and then done something they're proud of. — Jim Gaffigan · 2014Alienating work1 quote
When you got a career, there ain't enough time in the day. You look at your watch, time just flies, like God damn, whoa, it's 5:35! Damn, I gotta come in early tomorrow and work on my project. Cause there ain't enough time when you got a career. When you got a job, there's too much time. That's right, you look at your watch like, ah shit. 9:08. — Chris Rock · 2009American politics1 quote
Long as you live you ain't never gonna see no black vice president. Not while the president's white. They tell you to never say never? I'm saying never. You know why? Cause some black guy would just kill the president, that's why! Shit, I'd do it! — Chris Rock · 1996Bad decisions1 quote
Really the only time to ever drink a shot is never. No one's ever drank a shot and then done something they're proud of. — Jim Gaffigan · 2014Bars1 quote
We go to bars so we can behave like children, toddlers, really. You ever go to a bar at 2am? You might as well be picking up a kid at nursery school. — Jim Gaffigan · 2014Black president1 quote
Long as you live you ain't never gonna see no black vice president. Not while the president's white. They tell you to never say never? I'm saying never. You know why? Cause some black guy would just kill the president, that's why! Shit, I'd do it! — Chris Rock · 1996Daughters1 quote
They don't grade fathers but if your daughter's a stripper, you fucked up! — Chris Rock · 2004Driving1 quote
You know how old people drive? They drive slow, they sit low. That is their motto. The state flag of Florida should be just a steering wheel with a hat and two knuckles on it. — Jerry Seinfeld · 1998Fatherhood1 quote
They don't grade fathers but if your daughter's a stripper, you fucked up! — Chris Rock · 2004Fathers and daughters1 quote
They don't grade fathers but if your daughter's a stripper, you fucked up! — Chris Rock · 2004Florida1 quote
You know how old people drive? They drive slow, they sit low. That is their motto. The state flag of Florida should be just a steering wheel with a hat and two knuckles on it. — Jerry Seinfeld · 1998Infidelity1 quote
When guys cheat, it’s like we want something new. But then you know what happens? Your woman finds out, and now she’s new. She is never the same again. — Chris Rock · 2018Job vs. career1 quote
When you got a career, there ain't enough time in the day. You look at your watch, time just flies, like God damn, whoa, it's 5:35! Damn, I gotta come in early tomorrow and work on my project. Cause there ain't enough time when you got a career. When you got a job, there's too much time. That's right, you look at your watch like, ah shit. 9:08. — Chris Rock · 2009Jobs1 quote
When you got a career, there ain't enough time in the day. You look at your watch, time just flies, like God damn, whoa, it's 5:35! Damn, I gotta come in early tomorrow and work on my project. Cause there ain't enough time when you got a career. When you got a job, there's too much time. That's right, you look at your watch like, ah shit. 9:08. — Chris Rock · 2009Men and women1 quote
When guys cheat, it’s like we want something new. But then you know what happens? Your woman finds out, and now she’s new. She is never the same again. — Chris Rock · 2018Old age1 quote
You know how old people drive? They drive slow, they sit low. That is their motto. The state flag of Florida should be just a steering wheel with a hat and two knuckles on it. — Jerry Seinfeld · 1998Old people1 quote
You know how old people drive? They drive slow, they sit low. That is their motto. The state flag of Florida should be just a steering wheel with a hat and two knuckles on it. — Jerry Seinfeld · 1998Parenting1 quote
They don't grade fathers but if your daughter's a stripper, you fucked up! — Chris Rock · 2004Passage of time1 quote
When you got a career, there ain't enough time in the day. You look at your watch, time just flies, like God damn, whoa, it's 5:35! Damn, I gotta come in early tomorrow and work on my project. Cause there ain't enough time when you got a career. When you got a job, there's too much time. That's right, you look at your watch like, ah shit. 9:08. — Chris Rock · 2009Race relations1 quote
Long as you live you ain't never gonna see no black vice president. Not while the president's white. They tell you to never say never? I'm saying never. You know why? Cause some black guy would just kill the president, that's why! Shit, I'd do it! — Chris Rock · 1996Relationships1 quote
When you’re in a relationship, you’re in a band. And when you’re in a band you have roles that you play in the band. Sometimes you sing lead, and sometimes you’re on tambourine. — Chris Rock · 2008Shitty jobs1 quote
When you got a career, there ain't enough time in the day. You look at your watch, time just flies, like God damn, whoa, it's 5:35! Damn, I gotta come in early tomorrow and work on my project. Cause there ain't enough time when you got a career. When you got a job, there's too much time. That's right, you look at your watch like, ah shit. 9:08. — Chris Rock · 2009Shots1 quote
Really the only time to ever drink a shot is never. No one's ever drank a shot and then done something they're proud of. — Jim Gaffigan · 2014Stages of life1 quote
It's amazing how our attitude on alcohol changes, right? Cause even as a teenager you know it's wrong. You're like, "You know, I don't like the taste of it, but I want to look cool." And then in your twenties you're like, "You know what, this kinda gives me confidence to talk to the opposite sex." Then in your forties you're like, "You know what, this is the only thing I like about being alive." — Jim Gaffigan · 2014States1 quote
You know how old people drive? They drive slow, they sit low. That is their motto. The state flag of Florida should be just a steering wheel with a hat and two knuckles on it. — Jerry Seinfeld · 1998Strippers1 quote
They don't grade fathers but if your daughter's a stripper, you fucked up! — Chris Rock · 2004