Sourced and curated.

And I'm not sayin' he shoulda killed her…but I understand.

Bring the Pain · 1996

★ 2.0

Whenever I walk people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer it's kinda like they're saying, "Here, you throw this away."

Comedy Central Presents · 1999

★ 2.6

I’m not saying I don’t like police. I’m not saying that. I’m saying I’m just scared of 'em. Nothing wrong with that. Sometimes we want to call them too. Somebody broke into my house once. This is a good time to call 'em. But I didn't, I don’t know, mm-mm.

Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly · 2000

★ 2.8

We got so much food in America we allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit! You think anybody in Rwanda's got a fuckin' lactose intolerance?

Bring the Pain · 1996

★ 2.9

As long as you live you ain't never gonna see no black vice president. Not while the president's white! Oh no, you will never see. Do you know what they say, “never say never”? I'm saying never! Never see no black vice president. Not while there’s a white president, and you know why? ‘Cause some black guy would just kill the president, that’s why! Shit, I’d do it!

Bring the Pain · 1996

★ 2.9

Clinton damn near got impeached, for what? For what? Lied about a blowjob so his wife wouldn’t find out. ls that against the law? Do you need the Supreme Court for that one? You could have took that one to The People’s Court! Could have took that one to Judge Judy. She’d have knocked it out in a half hour, plus commercials.

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 2.9

I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.

Comedy Central Presents · 1999

★ 3.5

I especially hate turtlenecks. Like wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day.

Comedy Central Presents · 1999

★ 3.5

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and then the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people that believes it was the blacks.

Sarah Silverman

Jesus is Magic · 2005

★ 3.5

You gotta make life interesting like that cause the shit is flimsy. Life is flimsy. You…you think you’re gonna live, but ain’t nobody gon’ live forever.

Killin' Them Softly · 2000

★ 3.6

That girl was young, and she made a mistake that young girls make. She wanted to fuck a powerful man. Period. That’s as far as she thought it through.

Killin' Them Softly · 2000

★ 3.6

When you really love somebody, you got to love everything about them. You got to love the crust of a motherfucker. You can’t just love the white part of the bread. You got to love the crust, the crumbs, the little fuckin' crumbs at the bottom of the toaster. That’s what the real motherfucker is.

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 3.7

If pussy was a stock, it would be plummeting right now because you’ve flooded the market with it. You’re giving it away too easy.

Killin' Them Softly · 2000

★ 3.7

You know what men want? Food, sex, silence. That’s it. That's it. Food, sex, silence. "Feed me, fuck me, shut the fuck up."

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 3.8

Women need to hear compliments all the time. Women need food, water, and compliments. That’s right, that's right, and an occasional pair of shoes.

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 3.8

I don't care if you think I'm racist, I just want you to think I'm thin.

Sarah Silverman

Jesus is Magic · 2005

★ 3.9

Chivalry is dead. And women killed it.

Killin' Them Softly · 2000

★ 4.0

John F. Kennedy. Remember him? He fucked Marilyn Monroe. Matter of fact, him and his brother Bobby fucked Marilyn Monroe. And history doesn’t talk about that much. You know why history doesn’t talk about that much? Because those two pages in history are stuck together.

Killin' Them Softly · 2000

★ 4.5

You could get rid of all the crack, all the herb, all the blow, you know what would happen? People would just think of new ways of getting high. That's right, guys would go in their basement and become scientists, like "Yo check this out, check this out. You know, if you get a baby's bottle, right, fill it up with a little gasoline and a dead lima bean and suck it, you'll be fucked up!"

Bring the Pain · 1996

★ 4.5

You know what's wild? Martin Luther King stood for nonviolence. Now what's Martin Luther King? A street. And I don't give a fuck where you at in America—if you on Martin Luther King Boulevard, there's some violence goin' down!

Bring the Pain · 1996

★ 4.5

New white people. You can’t scare these white people. I tried. Roll up on 'em: BOO! "What the hell is wrong with you? Those days are over."

Killin' Them Softly · 2000

★ 4.5

Everybody talking 'bout gun control, gotta get rid of the guns. Fuck that, I like guns. You got a gun, you don’t have to work out.

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 4.6

You know you can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.

Comedy Central Presents · 1999

★ 5.2

You're born a sinner. By being born you are a sinner and you're going to hell. But you can just apologize and then you can go to heaven. No big deal. If you're a murderer—same thing, it's just apologize and go to heaven.

Sarah Silverman

We are Miracles · 2013

★ 5.2

Every black dude in this room is a qualified paralegal and shit. He knows the law. If one of us even start to do something wrong, an old black man would pop out of nowhere. Nigga, don’t do that. That’s 5 to 10.

Killin' Them Softly · 2000

★ 5.3

I mean, there could be a black president one day, but…You don’t wanna be the first one. I mean the second or third that's fine, but…that first nigga better watch out.

Killin' Them Softly · 2000

★ 5.3

Women always ready to settle down. Shit, a woman goes on four good dates, she's like "Why are we bullshittin'? What are you waiting for?" Men—never ready to settle down. Men don't settle down. We surrender.

Bring the Pain · 1996

★ 5.4

Drug dealers don't sell drugs. Drugs sell themselves. It's crack. It's not an encyclopedia. It's not a fuckin' vacuum cleaner. You don't really gotta try to sell crack, ok? I never heard a crack dealer goin' "Man, how'm I gonna get rid of all this crack?!"

Bring the Pain · 1996

★ 5.4

We got some platonic friends. I got some, but they're all by accident. Every platonic friend I got is some woman I was tryin' to fuck, I made a wrong turn somewhere, and ended up in the friend zone.

Chris Rock: Bring the Pain · 1996

★ 5.4

A bunch of girls like: "You don’t need no man to help you raise no child. You don't need no man." Shut the fuck up with the bullshit. Yeah, you could do it without a man but that don’t mean it’s to be done. Shit, you could drive a car with your feet if you want to. That don’t make it a good fuckin' idea.

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 5.4

A man gonna be a man. A man is basically as faithful as his options. That’s how faithful a man is, no more, no less.

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 5.5

You know what’s fucked up about taxes? You don’t even pay taxes. They take tax. You get your check, money gone. That ain’t a payment, that’s a jack.

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 5.5

I am scared of young white boys. If you white and under 21 I am running for the hills.

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 5.5

Men have nice cars. Not cause they like nice cars. Because they know women like nice cars. That’s how it goes. Cause men are hunters. And the car is the bait. And a woman comes up and says: “Ooh, nice Porsche.” “Gotcha, bitch!”

Killin' Them Softly · 2000

★ 6.1

You could be the baddest mama on earth. I don’t give a fuck how good you are. Ain't nothing you can say more powerful than, "I’m gonna tell your daddy."

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 6.2

There ain't a white man in this room that would change places with me. None of ya! None of ya would change places with me...and I'm rich! That's how good it is to be white.

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 6.2

I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Comedy Central Presents · 1999

★ 6.9

Prenuptial agreement. Everybody needs a prenup! People think you gotta be rich to get a prenup, oh no! You got 20 million, your wife want 10, big deal, you ain't starvin'. But if you make 30 thousand, and your wife want 15, you might have to kill her!

Bring the Pain · 1996

★ 7.0

Relationships: easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Cause it’s hard to keep up the lie. 'Cause you can't get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody. You can't get nobody lookin' like you look, actin' like you act, soundin' like you sound. That's right, when you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative!