The Quotes canon
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Browse all 10,075 quotes or apply filters in different categories to narrow your search.
Browse all 10,075 quotes or apply filters in different categories to narrow your search.
Drugs2 quotes
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Bigfoot1 quote
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out of focus monster, roaming the countryside. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Christmas1 quote
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Clothing1 quote
This shirt is dry clean only, which means it's dirty. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Doing drugs1 quote
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Donuts1 quote
I bought a donut, and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, man, I'll just give you the money, then you give me the donut—end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Entrepreneurship1 quote
I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack, and that price fucks with your head, because then you start to think that you're gonna sell pop. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Gambling1 quote
My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling…come on, 4 billion! Fuck, 7. Not even close. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Luck1 quote
My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling…come on, 4 billion! Fuck, 7. Not even close. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Meaninglessness1 quote
I've seen a human pyramid before. It was very unnecessary. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Mythical creatures1 quote
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out of focus monster, roaming the countryside. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Personal care1 quote
I hate flossing, I just wish I had one long curvy tooth. It didn't need to be split up. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Proclivities1 quote
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999Protest1 quote
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999The Army1 quote
I never joined the Army because "at ease" was never that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999The military1 quote
I never joined the Army because "at ease" was never that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. — Mitch Hedberg · 1999