Sourced and curated.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 1.9

And I'm not sayin' he shoulda killed her…but I understand.

Bring the Pain · 1996

★ 2.0

I hate flossing, I just wish I had one long curvy tooth. It didn't need to be split up.

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 2.0

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

I was in the unenviable position of being for the war but against the troops.

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 2.2

Comedy (stand up)

Bill Hicks

Relentless · 1991

★ 2.6

Whenever I walk people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer it's kinda like they're saying, "Here, you throw this away."

Comedy Central Presents · 1999

★ 2.6

My friend said to me, "I think the weather's trippy." I said, "no man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought "man, I shoulda just said 'yeah'."

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 2.6

I’m not saying I don’t like police. I’m not saying that. I’m saying I’m just scared of 'em. Nothing wrong with that. Sometimes we want to call them too. Somebody broke into my house once. This is a good time to call 'em. But I didn't, I don’t know, mm-mm.

Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly · 2000

★ 2.8

We got so much food in America we allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit! You think anybody in Rwanda's got a fuckin' lactose intolerance?

Bring the Pain · 1996

★ 2.9

As long as you live you ain't never gonna see no black vice president. Not while the president's white! Oh no, you will never see. Do you know what they say, “never say never”? I'm saying never! Never see no black vice president. Not while there’s a white president, and you know why? ‘Cause some black guy would just kill the president, that’s why! Shit, I’d do it!

Bring the Pain · 1996

★ 2.9

Clinton damn near got impeached, for what? For what? Lied about a blowjob so his wife wouldn’t find out. ls that against the law? Do you need the Supreme Court for that one? You could have took that one to The People’s Court! Could have took that one to Judge Judy. She’d have knocked it out in a half hour, plus commercials.

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 2.9

I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.

Comedy Central Presents · 1999

★ 3.5

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out of focus monster, roaming the countryside.

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 3.5

I especially hate turtlenecks. Like wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day.

Comedy Central Presents · 1999

★ 3.5

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and then the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people that believes it was the blacks.

Sarah Silverman

Jesus is Magic · 2005

★ 3.5

You gotta make life interesting like that cause the shit is flimsy. Life is flimsy. You…you think you’re gonna live, but ain’t nobody gon’ live forever.

Killin' Them Softly · 2000

★ 3.6

That girl was young, and she made a mistake that young girls make. She wanted to fuck a powerful man. Period. That’s as far as she thought it through.

Killin' Them Softly · 2000

★ 3.6

When you really love somebody, you got to love everything about them. You got to love the crust of a motherfucker. You can’t just love the white part of the bread. You got to love the crust, the crumbs, the little fuckin' crumbs at the bottom of the toaster. That’s what the real motherfucker is.

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 3.7

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 3.7

This shirt is dry clean only, which means it's dirty.

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 3.7

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 3.7

If pussy was a stock, it would be plummeting right now because you’ve flooded the market with it. You’re giving it away too easy.

Killin' Them Softly · 2000

★ 3.7

You know what men want? Food, sex, silence. That’s it. That's it. Food, sex, silence. "Feed me, fuck me, shut the fuck up."

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 3.8

Women need to hear compliments all the time. Women need food, water, and compliments. That’s right, that's right, and an occasional pair of shoes.

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 3.8

I don't care if you think I'm racist, I just want you to think I'm thin.

Sarah Silverman

Jesus is Magic · 2005

★ 3.9

Chivalry is dead. And women killed it.

Killin' Them Softly · 2000

★ 4.0

John F. Kennedy. Remember him? He fucked Marilyn Monroe. Matter of fact, him and his brother Bobby fucked Marilyn Monroe. And history doesn’t talk about that much. You know why history doesn’t talk about that much? Because those two pages in history are stuck together.

Killin' Them Softly · 2000

★ 4.5

You could get rid of all the crack, all the herb, all the blow, you know what would happen? People would just think of new ways of getting high. That's right, guys would go in their basement and become scientists, like "Yo check this out, check this out. You know, if you get a baby's bottle, right, fill it up with a little gasoline and a dead lima bean and suck it, you'll be fucked up!"

Bring the Pain · 1996

★ 4.5

You know what's wild? Martin Luther King stood for nonviolence. Now what's Martin Luther King? A street. And I don't give a fuck where you at in America—if you on Martin Luther King Boulevard, there's some violence goin' down!

Bring the Pain · 1996

★ 4.5

New white people. You can’t scare these white people. I tried. Roll up on 'em: BOO! "What the hell is wrong with you? Those days are over."

Killin' Them Softly · 2000

★ 4.5

Everybody talking 'bout gun control, gotta get rid of the guns. Fuck that, I like guns. You got a gun, you don’t have to work out.

How about a positive LSD story, that would be newsworthy, don’t you think? Anybody think that? Just once to hear a positive LSD story; “Today a young man on acid…realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves…Here’s Tom with the weather.

Bigger & Blacker · 1999

★ 4.6

Comedy (stand up)

Bill Hicks

Relentless · 1991

★ 5.1

I like a escalator because a escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see a "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 5.1

You know you can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.

Comedy Central Presents · 1999

★ 5.2

My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling…come on, 4 billion! Fuck, 7. Not even close.

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 5.2

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker and you were walking down the sidewalk with him and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 5.2

You're born a sinner. By being born you are a sinner and you're going to hell. But you can just apologize and then you can go to heaven. No big deal. If you're a murderer—same thing, it's just apologize and go to heaven.

Sarah Silverman

We are Miracles · 2013

★ 5.2

I've seen a human pyramid before. It was very unnecessary.

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 5.3

Every black dude in this room is a qualified paralegal and shit. He knows the law. If one of us even start to do something wrong, an old black man would pop out of nowhere. Nigga, don’t do that. That’s 5 to 10.