The Quotes canon
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Browse all 10,075 quotes or apply filters in different categories to narrow your search.
Browse all 10,075 quotes or apply filters in different categories to narrow your search.
Men and women15 quotes
I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian. — Elaine Benes · 1992I want a woman that will arouse my intellect as well as my loins. — Prince Akeem · 1988I said "biiiitch"… — Craig · 2012Jerry, this woman hates me so much, I’m starting to like her. — George Costanza · 1993Guys love it when you can show them you're better than they are at something they love. — Leslie Knope · 2009No man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive he always wants to have sex with her. — Harry Burns · 1989All 15 quotes →Love10 quotes
I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love. — Carrie · 2004This ain't something a man usually tells a woman: I love you, Edith. — Archie Bunker · 1973Love...is not a big enough word. It's not a big enough word for how I feel about my wife. — Del Griffith · 1987Will you still love me when I'm in my carbohydrate, sequined-jumpsuit, young-girls-in-white-cotton-panties, waking-up-in-a-pool-of-your-own-vomit, bloated-purple-dead-on-a-toilet phase? — Wayne Campbell · 1992I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. — Harry Burns · 1989Faint heart never won fair lady!
Nothing venture, nothing win-
Blood is thick, but water's thin-
In for a penny, in for a pound-
It's Love that makes the world go round! — W.S. Gilbert · 1882All 10 quotes →Gender relations7 quotes
I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian. — Elaine Benes · 1992I said "biiiitch"… — Craig · 2012Guys love it when you can show them you're better than they are at something they love. — Leslie Knope · 2009No man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive he always wants to have sex with her. — Harry Burns · 1989Men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. — Harry Burns · 1989I'm all for that. Especially with women. You know, they may not admit it, but they all want a man to…take charge. Tell them what to do. — Darryl Jenks · 1988All 7 quotes →Relationships7 quotes
I said "biiiitch"… — Craig · 2012Jerry, this woman hates me so much, I’m starting to like her. — George Costanza · 1993Love...is not a big enough word. It's not a big enough word for how I feel about my wife. — Del Griffith · 1987This woman hates me so much, I'm starting to like her. — George Costanza · 1993Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over. — Jerry Seinfeld · 1997I can’t be with someone like me. I hate myself! If anything, I need to get the exact opposite of me. It’s too much. It’s too much Kramer, I can’t take it. I can’t take it. — Jerry Seinfeld · 1996All 7 quotes →Work7 quotes
Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays. — Female Temp · 1999I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot. — Hansel · 2001So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, um, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that’s on the worst day of my life. — Peter Gibbons · 1999Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms, and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements! — Peter Gibbons · 1999I don’t like my job and I don’t think I’m gonna go anymore. — Peter Gibbons · 1999I'm gonna need you to go ahead and come in tomorrow. — Bill Lumbergh · 1999All 7 quotes →Food6 quotes
Food and sex. Those are my two passions. — George Costanza · 1997There has never been a sadness that can't be cured by breakfast food. — Ron Swanson · 2014We need to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn't matter, but work is third. — Leslie Knope · 2011It’s the best part. It’s crunchy, it’s explosive, it’s where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of does its own thing. I’ll tell you. That’s a million-dollar idea right there. Just sell the tops. — Elaine Benes · 1997Look, I got a few good years left. If I want a Chip Ahoy, I’m having it. — Morty Seinfeld · 1996Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I worry what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs." What I said was, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have." Do you understand? — Ron Swanson · 2011Friends6 quotes
You’re a nice guy, but I actually only have three friends. I really can't handle any more. — Jerry Seinfeld · 1995Shut up, brain. I got friends now. I don't need you anymore. — Lisa Simpson · 1994After all, seasons change, so do cities; people come into your life and people go. But it’s comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you’re very lucky, a plane ride away. — Carrie · 2002A friend in need is a pest. — Jeremy Grey · 2005I don’t need another friend, I already have two. — Sam Weir · 2000We need to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn't matter, but work is third. — Leslie Knope · 2011Sex6 quotes
I spent most of my adult life using sex to deflect from the screaming void inside my empty heart. — Fleabag · 2019By the way...I faked every orgasm! — Lt. Frank Drebin · 1988So, the psychiatrist has a patient, draws a circle, what do you think of when you see this? He says, sex. That's not the joke, wait a second. He draws a picture of a tree, what do you think of when you see it? Sex. He draws a picture of a car, house, sex, sex, sex. The doctor says, you know, you're obsessed with sex. The patient says, well you're the one drawing all the dirty pictures! — Bob Wiley · 1991Men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. — Harry Burns · 1989Food and sex. Those are my two passions. — George Costanza · 1997Imagine how many people out there right now are fuckin’ man...just goin’ at it. — Ron Slater · 1993Women6 quotes
Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away. — Jerry Seinfeld · 1993Women are born with pain built in. It's our physical destiny. Period pains, sore boobs, childbirth, you know. We carry it within ourselves throughout our lives. Men don't. They have to seek it out. — Belinda (Fleabag) · 2019Jefe, you do not understand women. You cannot force open the petals of a flower. When the flower is ready, it opens itself up to you. — El Guapo · 1986Let me tell you a little something I've learned about women. They want you to come get them. They love it. — Garth Algar · 1992I'm all for that. Especially with women. You know, they may not admit it, but they all want a man to…take charge. Tell them what to do. — Darryl Jenks · 1988Certain women should be struck regularly, like gongs. — Noel Coward · 1930Alcohol5 quotes
My advice to you is to start drinking heavily. — Bluto · 1978To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. — Homer Simpson · 1997It's amazing how our attitude on alcohol changes, right? Cause even as a teenager you know it's wrong. You're like, "You know, I don't like the taste of it, but I want to look cool." And then in your twenties you're like, "You know what, this kinda gives me confidence to talk to the opposite sex." Then in your forties you're like, "You know what, this is the only thing I like about being alive." — Jim Gaffigan · 2014We go to bars so we can behave like children, toddlers, really. You ever go to a bar at 2am? You might as well be picking up a kid at nursery school. — Jim Gaffigan · 2014Really the only time to ever drink a shot is never. No one's ever drank a shot and then done something they're proud of. — Jim Gaffigan · 2014Clothing5 quotes
If I saw myself in clothes like those, I'd have to kick my own ass. — Happy Gilmore · 1996Oh, I like your outfit too, except when I dress up as a frigid bitch, I try not to look so constipated. — Elle Woods · 2001I like my money right where I can see it-hanging in my closet. — Carrie · 2003It's after six. What am I, a farmer? — Jack Donaghy · 2006You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, "I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable." — Jerry Seinfeld · 1989Giving up5 quotes
I’m a great quitter. It’s one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. — George Costanza · 1993This quitting thing, it's a hard habit to break once you start. — Coach Morris Buttermaker · 1976Give up, just quit, because in this life, you can't win. Yeah, you can try, but in the end you're just gonna lose, big time, because the world is run by the Man. The Man, oh, you don't know the Man? Well, he's everywhere. In the White House, down the hall, Miss Mullins, she's the Man. And the Man ruined the ozone, and he's burning down the Amazon, and he kidnapped Shamu and put her in a chlorine tank, ok? And there used to be a way to stick it to the Man. It was called rock 'n roll, but guess what, oh no, the Man ruined that, too, with a little thing called MTV! So don't waste your time trying to make anything cool or pure or awesome 'cause the Man is just gonna call you a fat washed up loser and crush your soul. So do yourselves a favor and just give up! — Dewey Finn · 2003You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, "I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable." — Jerry Seinfeld · 1989When life gives you lemons, just say "Fuck the lemons," and bail. — Chuck · 2008Alienating work4 quotes
When you got a career, there ain't enough time in the day. You look at your watch, time just flies, like God damn, whoa, it's 5:35! Damn, I gotta come in early tomorrow and work on my project. Cause there ain't enough time when you got a career. When you got a job, there's too much time. That's right, you look at your watch like, ah shit. 9:08. — Chris Rock · 2009Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays. — Female Temp · 1999So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, um, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that’s on the worst day of my life. — Peter Gibbons · 1999Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms, and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements! — Peter Gibbons · 1999Christmas4 quotes
There's room for everyone on the nice list. — Buddy · 2003We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice. — Ralphie Parker · 1983The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear. — Buddy · 2003Treat every day like Christmas. — Buddy · 2003Nature of women4 quotes
Women are born with pain built in. It's our physical destiny. Period pains, sore boobs, childbirth, you know. We carry it within ourselves throughout our lives. Men don't. They have to seek it out. — Belinda (Fleabag) · 2019Jefe, you do not understand women. You cannot force open the petals of a flower. When the flower is ready, it opens itself up to you. — El Guapo · 1986Let me tell you a little something I've learned about women. They want you to come get them. They love it. — Garth Algar · 1992I'm all for that. Especially with women. You know, they may not admit it, but they all want a man to…take charge. Tell them what to do. — Darryl Jenks · 1988Optimism4 quotes
So you’re telling me there’s a chance! — Lloyd Christmas · 1994Always look on the bright side of life. — Lead Singer Crucifee · 1979Why, don't you have a dark side? No, you're probably one of those cheerful people who dot their i's with little hearts. — Harry Burns · 1989You be positive. I'll be realistic. — Uncle Frank · 1990Shitty jobs4 quotes
When you got a career, there ain't enough time in the day. You look at your watch, time just flies, like God damn, whoa, it's 5:35! Damn, I gotta come in early tomorrow and work on my project. Cause there ain't enough time when you got a career. When you got a job, there's too much time. That's right, you look at your watch like, ah shit. 9:08. — Chris Rock · 2009Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms, and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements! — Peter Gibbons · 1999I don’t like my job and I don’t think I’m gonna go anymore. — Peter Gibbons · 1999I'm gonna need you to go ahead and come in tomorrow. — Bill Lumbergh · 1999Talking too much4 quotes
Oh, now you’re saying that I’m redundant, that I repeat myself, that I say things over and over! — Frasier Crane · 1985I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to tune myself out. — Kelly Kapoor · 2010Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way. — Michael Scott · 2009Never say more than is necessary. — Richard Brinsley Sheridan · 1775The human condition4 quotes
Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. — The Man in Black · 1987Men and women suffer alone, over the choices they've made. And young boys, full of confusion... Full of fear... Full of love and courage... Grow up stealthily in their sleep. — Narrator (Adult Kevin Arnold) · 1988I always figured girls knew exactly what they wanted. They knew-they had a plan. Or maybe they didn’t. Maybe they were just as confused as we were. Isn’t that great? It's-it’s horrible. They don’t know either. That means nobody knows. — Narrator (Adult Kevin Arnold) · 1989The universe is a cruel, uncaring void. The key to being happy isn't to search for meaning. It's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you'll be dead. — Mr. Peanutbutter · 2014Anti-imperialism3 quotes
If you wanted to join the P.F.J., you'd have to really hate the Romans. — Reg · 1979Listen, the only people we hate more than the Romans are the fucking Judean People's Front! — Reg · 1979All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh-water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us? — Reg · 1979Beauty3 quotes
There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point? — Pam Beesly · 2013You’re rather...attractive, for a beautiful girl with a great body. — Ty Webb · 1980Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty. — Derek Zoolander · 2001Being in love3 quotes
Jane, since I've met you, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before...birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights. — Lt. Frank Drebin · 1988I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. — Harry Burns · 1989You know, it's funny, when you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags. — Wanda Pierce · 2015Cats3 quotes
He can't lift the seat, Greg. He lacks the strength in the opposable thumbs. — Jack Byrnes · 2000You see, Greg, when you yell at a dog, his tail will go between his legs and cover his genitals, his ears will go down. A dog is very easy to break, but cats make you work for their affection. They don't sell out the way dogs do. — Jack Byrnes · 2000Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless. — Ron Swanson · 2013Courage3 quotes
No, we will not die like dogs, we will fight like lions because we are the three amigos! — Dusty Bottoms · 1986Faint heart never won fair lady!
Nothing venture, nothing win-
Blood is thick, but water's thin-
In for a penny, in for a pound-
It's Love that makes the world go round! — W.S. Gilbert · 1882I thought you were incredibly brave. And I mean that in strictly the most clinical and professional sense possible, with no emotional, intimate, sexual, or any other undertones that you could possibly infer. — Denise · 2008Dangers of love3 quotes
Love, it's a motherfucker, huh? — Waiter · 2003That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call 'em something else. — Jim Baker · 1984True, 'tis an unhappy circumstance of life that love should ever die before us, and that the Man so often should outlive the Lover. But say what you will, 'tis better to be left than never to have been loved. — William Congreve · 1700Delusion3 quotes
I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. — Ron Burgundy · 2004Is it possible that I’m not as attractive as I think I am? — Elaine Benes · 1993It's just a flesh wound. — The Black Knight · 1975Drinking alcohol3 quotes
My advice to you is to start drinking heavily. — Bluto · 1978Fill it up again! It's so good! Once it hits your lips, it's so good! — Frank (Old School) · 2003I am going to need something to kill time before my second beer. How about a first one? — Norm Peterson · 1983Facing one's fears3 quotes
No, we will not die like dogs, we will fight like lions because we are the three amigos! — Dusty Bottoms · 1986In a way, all of us has an El Guapo to face someday. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous guy who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo, who also happens to be the actual El Guapo! — Lucky Day · 1986Is this a breakthrough, that I'm a sailor? I sail? I sail now? — Bob Wiley · 1991Failure3 quotes
It all became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat-it's all been wrong. — George Costanza · 1994Because doing more than the minimum work is my definition of failing. — Jeff Winger · 2009Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. — Homer Simpson · 1990Family3 quotes
I don't want a new family. I don't want any family. Families suck! — Kevin · 1990How you feel about your family is a complicated thing. Deep down, you'll always love them. But you can forget that you love them, and you can hurt them and they can hurt you, and that's not just because you're young. — Marley · 1990At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year. — Frank Costanza · 1997