I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. — Mitch Hedberg · Skopia

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Comedy album · Comedy (stand up)

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

Strategic Grill Locations · 1999

★ 3.7

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Topic

Doing drugs Drugs

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Genre

Comedy (stand up)

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Citation

Hedberg, Mitch. Strategic Grill Locations. 7 Sept. 1999, The Laff Stop Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, USA.

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Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchased in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats that you've spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future. Choose life...but why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin' else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?

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Drug dealers don't sell drugs. Drugs sell themselves. It's crack. It's not an encyclopedia. It's not a fuckin' vacuum cleaner. You don't really gotta try to sell crack, ok? I never heard a crack dealer goin' "Man, how'm I gonna get rid of all this crack?!"

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I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

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Another quote byPerson·Mitch Hedberg

I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack, and that price fucks with your head, because then you start to think that you're gonna sell pop.

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